Finally, Something Goes George Clooney's Way

Clooney and partners sell Casamigos Tequila to Diageo for $1 Billion ...

This fucking guy. George. Buddy. We gotta talk. When is it enough for you? Was it not just being George Clooney? The soothing baritone voice? The perfect bone structure and kind, thoughtful eyes? Those (two!) Academy Awards? The perfect hairline over a salt and pepper coif that tells the world, "I've been around, but I'll be around?" You scoundrel. You rogue. That's not to mention the twins (mazel!) that you brought into the world with your perfect, multi-lingual, international human rights lawyer wife, Amal. We get it, you've done okay. So it only makes sense that you, George Clooney, had to be a billionaire, too.

Clooney announced today that he's selling Casamigos, the tequila company that he started with Rande Gerber and Michael Meldman just four years ago, in a $1 billion deal to British beverage giant Diageo. In a statement to CNBC, Clooney said: "If you asked us four years ago if we had a billion dollar company, I don't think we would have said yes. This reflects Diageo's belief in our company and our belief in Diageo. But we're not going anywhere. We'll still be very much a part of Casamigos. Starting with a shot tonight. Maybe two."

According to unconfirmed sources, Clooney then tossed a saddle over the last living unicorn and flew to Elysium with Matt Fucking Damon, or something, probably.

All jokes aside, congratulations, George. We're happy for you. You speak out about causes that matter. You do incredible humanitarian work. We love your films. Even Batman & Robin. All signs indicate that you're one of the good ones. And since you've gotta split that billion with your partners, it nets out somewhere around a mere $300 million anyway. But we just have one request. In the next life, can you a leave a little something for the rest of us? Thanks.